If Software Companies Made Cars…

…you might not enjoy your journey quite so much.

I’ve had quite a few conversations lately with folks who have “upgraded” either their operating system or some fairly important (to them) piece of software. You’ll note I’ve put the word “upgraded” in quote marks – this is because I’m not entirely certain that, for these people, they have actually made a significant improvement to their systems.

At the same time as these conversations have taken place, though, She Who Must Be Obeyed has “upgraded” her motorised transportation facility. OK, then, she’s been buying a new car.

As it happens, it’s a rather fetching and eminently laddish bit of kit – it’s got one of those foldy-down solid metal roofs, climate control and a computer module in it that tells you how much petrol it’s slurping, how you’ve come since you last filled up, how far you can go before you’ll need to cough up for the Chancellor’s “get all cars off the road” fund and so-on. I call it the Pug – a 206CC.

Now, as chance would have it, it’s a pretty neat box of tricks and it seems to work very well – or so she says. So far, she’s had no bother with it at all. Everything just sort of works. But can you imagine if it had been designed, built and tested by a software company?

You go for the brakes, and an hour-glass icon pops up on the central display unit, together with a little bit of text that says “Searching”… followed by "Are you sure?"

You go to switch on the ignition – you get all the right lights lighting up, the engine fires up – but only on two cylinders. The central console pops up an error message… “Error 1293jky6789 – invalid wheel fault at address 62 Bywalk Drive”. You ring support – on an 0870 national rate number, of course, and they advise you to re-install the engine. When that doesn’t work, they promise to send an engineer out.

He arrives four days later, takes one look under the bonnet, and flicks two switches – hey presto, it’s fixed! “User Error” he says, and plants a bill for £567+VAT on you.

You go to ill it up with petrol, and as you try to get the nozzle into the filler pipe, the central console chimes up “Error reading device at Port 1568 – please insert correct media, retry, abort, or cancel” and the tank remains resolutely empty.

Two years down the road, you go to change a couple of tyres, only to be told “Nah, mate – they don’t make ‘em that size any more – you’ll need to put bigger/smaller rims on”

You go away for a fortnight’s holiday, forgetting that you left the interior light on. When you come back, the battery’s flat as a pancake. You get it charged, and go to switch the ignition on.  All the lights come on, in the right order, followed by the central console beeping as it displays “Sorry, this vehicle needs to be reactivated, please call 0870 123 4567, and have your VIN number, registration number, insurance certificate number and inside leg measurement to hand.”

You’re driving down the main road in town, and flip the indicator stalk up to indicate right. All your lights come on, the alarm sounds, your windscreen wipers start up, the boot lid flies open and the engine stalls. The central console reads “Illegal Operation” but you’re sure that wasn’t a one way street.

You can also bet that the car would swerve into parked vehicles and crash for no apparent reason. You ring up to find out why. “Weather’s too Hot”, “Weather’s too cold”, “Yeah, that can happen if your sprunge grommet hasn’t been firmly flobbed into the wazzockfuttle grobble gland – you need a new windscreen wiper blade – that ought to fix it” Take your pick – it won’t stop it from happening two or three times a day.

Finally, you put the vehicle in for a major service. When it comes out, the handbrake handle operates the wipers, the radio knob operates the indicators, and the only way you can get the driver’s side door open is switch the ignition key to “Start” and pump the footbrake three times.

If only Peugeot made Operating Systems!

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David Dorn